I worked on the topic "Home" and "Identity" as major concept of my photo work and the related fear .These questions are hanging around my mind all the time.Human being put all the possible identities on hiself like 'gender''nationality' 'occupation''race' 'education' 'culture background' 'class' and all kinds of tittles as someone's "wife','son''father''friend'....or social status as somebody.When we try to introduce ourselves in front of strangers,we start to talk about all the identities but not the interests,characters,experience.Because the identities are the verified evidence of 'Who Am I '.We need security from our identification.An single identity is like 'Home' makes human feel the sense of belonging.All the anxiety starts from the self-definition and the responding from outside.

Those identities have two categories,one bases on 'Love' or emotion-related,as we're someone's friend,child,lover.Thus we receive the exclusive attention as a certain unique role.The other one bases on the social status.In Alain de Botton's book 'Status Anxiety',he presents a kind of point of view that people pursue their status because of 'Lovelessness'.When we were children,we got love from our parents without any conditions,when we enter the society,we start to understand,if we need attention,respect,admire,care,we need to "climb the social ladder"---the so-called 'ambition''dream' and 'self-actualization' all base on this desire of 'be loved'.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs explains the human motivation in different levels,except the basic needs as physiological needs,safety needs,the'love/beloing'needs and Esteem and self-actualization all talking about the identities.

Without all the identities,just as we're naked in front of others,we feel insecure but on other hands,there is no any discrimination and prejudice anymore,because we're human,we're the equal.lol

There are a lot of art works about identity which is concerning about a single identity.For instance,talking about a certain group in a certain background,about feminism,about homosexual,about immigrant,refugee...I just explore another wilder scope about this topic.There must be something above all the identies,whatever and whoever and wherever,no matter what's the background,what's the language,what's the culture difference..I am interested in something like universal value,common sense,feeling.We're human,we're so different but we have something similar beyond all the identities,like ultimate concern,human care,sharing and love. Art is a univsal language,this is my way of cross-culture interpretation.

 

I'd rather say,seeking for the identification is a way seeking for the community of security.In the end,people still want sense of belonging and sense of security and escape from the solitude or loneliness.This is back to the same idea of "Home".People need care,love,the feeling of involving and IMTIMACY(or closeness).

People choose the regular path and main stream value,people seek marriage,money,reputation --Because those tittles or following majority offer the sense of security.

When I had this interview for one of my project about home,I asked Zhe about 'what did you lose when you left your home' and the answer is 'protection'.That's so true,when people give up their home and go somewhere or when they give up their identities,they lose their protection.

Thus,people are immersed in the related fear of Identification.In Buddhism,they explain the human's pain all about something unreachable and already lost.The FEARs from identification are exactly the same---we're in fear of we can't successed to reach what we made effort and in fear of losing our identities.

 

We're so afriad to lose someone who offers us the identities,the identity makes a certain kind of connection between people and those connections fullfill the desolation of our lives.Life could be non-meaningful at all,becasue of those connections,at least we found our meaning of existence--a kind of responsibilities.Without those connection with other people,we're totally solitude.We're in fear to lose parents,siblings,friends,lovers,normally we even don't notice,we feel love when we notice we're in fear to lose.I really can't appreciate those people pretend they have got the attitude "who cares",it sounds super cool,but if people have nothing and nobody to care,maybe it reduce the chances to get hurts.But life is exactlly no meaning at all. All the external identities would disappear finally,but only non-artifical love is the most important thing.The saddnest thing I can image is people who you really care but don't care about you and you should pretent that you don't care either.

 

That's an interesting topic about intimacy,dependence and fear.When we open our heart to invite somebody to be close,we value them as a certain identity.We take the certain risk that we could lose them.When people become a part of our lives,somehow,it brings dependence and protection,when they leave,they take a part of life away.Intimacy or closeness bring love,care,warmness and also fear,conflicts,disrespect and hurt.

We can stay well with the people distant,no conflicts and only show the perfect side and most important thing is that we're independent.It also reduce the speed of disappearing.But if the people who involved in our lives,even just physically close,their actions most or less will impact our lives.People are afraid of this emotional investment --open every lonely heart,get close little by little,understand each other little by little until you get use to...it's definitely not a easy process.Every time when I am in any church,temple,look at the 'God',I just want to ask them one question that I am not able to find the answer by myself--why people who used to be so close to each other,they could be strangers and pretent nothing happened.

We use our innocence to exchange our experience,and my childish behavior is my protection to maintain the innocence,then the experience itself hurts.I never complain my memory is too good,I wish my memory could be better,I am so easily to forget all the thing I don't care,then the rest,something I really care,no matter joyful or painful,I wish I could keep them longer and longer,that's all the evidences of the identities which I had.

Avec mon meilleur souvenir ,2 years in Bologna University.

The song is 'Everyone needs to be loved'.Indeed,in the floating years,we love each other so deeply and so sincerely.We're a community of love,a family,share love ,hugs,smile ,laughing and tears.

I made this video over night the day before we finished our study and played it in the last lesson.Someone was crying,someone was smiling.

Tonight when you guys were sitting around me,I really felt I was in love and strong sense of security...When Stephanie gave me a CD with her selection of the music with the theme of 'home',I almost cried immediately. 

Once Stephanie wrote me on skype----as long as I can see you and everyone else now and in the future, I don't really care that much about the job, the house, etc...

..............

I guess I spend all my fortune in order to meet you guys.

I just want to write something one month before my age 28.

 

Once I and Emo talked about an architect,then he said 'but in between almost 2 years he didn't have any work,like he disappeared....maybe,maybe he was traveling'. I started to laugh and said 'many years later,when people start to talk about the legend about me,they will find so many silent blank years,since my life is always somewhere else.' ---From 8 years ago,I am already accustomed to answer ' where are you?' as the first question when I pick up the phone.But....where am I ? It always could be a good question,the geography dimention always make no sense,hundreds of cities are composed by the memories,you can't find it in any maps,they're just invisible in my personal 'lonely planet'.

I haven made or I am making a photography project called 'Life is elsewhere' which is talking about the relationship among Hometown,current city and home.I always only had the hometown which I can't return back and the current city which I am getting ready to leave.But My homesick only belong to the place I have never been or this sickness named 'nostalgia'.

I met a clown in Avignon.In the staff only party,I met him once again,I asked him 'every day I saw you flying around without any protection,is that dangrous?' He said 'But,I guess life is more dangrous.' I asked ' Doing the circus thing,you should travel all the time,do you feel you lost your home or lost the sense of belonging?' He said ' I think everyone is searching for their home,but if you're searching for something,it's better don't try to get it,just stay there,get everything you want,prepare yourself,at the right moment,it will come naturely.---like in the circus,you want to reach the animals,if you just go to them directly,they will run away or attack you,if you just stay there,they will come themselve---our lives,relastionships...all the same' 

Actually I find his anwer is pretty close to the Chinese philosophy which is my basic philosophy--Daoism.The core concept is 'wu wei',Means,Do nothing,everything will come by nature.In this case,I really enjoy my 'homeless',In western,people say homeless,in China,we got another word means 'everywhere is my home'.

I did hitch hiking and couch surfing on the road,I really enjoy the sincere and trust between people.It become difficult to perceive in the city and regular life,sometimes I really feel it is sick because it always seems so difficult to get close to each other.I would like to talk with strangers and collect stories.Even I know each time when we say 'see you',probably it means ' see you never'.

Just few weeks ago,during the midnight,we passed a petrol station outside of city,I stopped for icecream,then I saw a hitch hiker sitting there,I just went and talked with her.She asked 'So,Vanessa,where do you live?" I thought for a while 'E...I am just kind of Homeless...' She said 'Understand!' Then we laught together.

Well,I come from China .But I can't find any sense of belonging there.The sick sociaty there just create another value system which is against mine---I grew up in a very open family naturelly,I only have the universal value.That's the reason why I can't find a position survive in my motherland.Just because I can't convince myself to sell my soul,to defect my fundamental.It's sad,but nothing I can change.We come to this planet,if we can't catch our dream,to do what we really want,there is no any difference from zombie.I'm longing for all kind of freedom which allow me could only follow my inner voice as a dreamer,27 years,I only live in my own world,full of adventure,all kind of surreal experience---the other's surreal is my reality.

I just believe,if you really want to do something,the whole world will help you.I try to burn all my passion,my glory and belief and No regrets,that's all.

A friend commentted on me as 'If somebody spend the whole life just focus on one thing,she must succeed.' I appriciated a lot that I have some friends who can really understand me.

 

 

Hangzhou is my hometown which is generally considered as the most beautiful city in China--yes,it is.Objectively,even I have been so many cities,every time when I was back,I was still moved by its beauty.There I met a group of alternative friends who share the same valaue.We grow up ,drink,smoke,create things,play guitar,dance,dream together...We share the courage to face the reality and go through the pain.It is still warmming me on the way of broken dream.I am from a kind of elite class family,the members in my family either scientists or professors,I was never expected to be an artist or vagrant,I am totally a rebel in my family--but I guess nobody could enjoy the life of a homeless vagrant ,a new hippie and still so happy,I have nothing,but I gain so much freedom everyday ,breath the freedom in the air ,I feel It open my mind,my eyes,my heart,and I am just open to the whole world,whatever comes in my life,everyday I am just expecting something unexpected.

 

 

The next month I gonna be 28 years old,Except a huge collection of good friends,a lovely family which is totally support my dream--I mean,Love from people who love me,Except my proud talent,except my gorgeous stories and experience,I have nothing. But what I expect more ? Those experience made the density of my life so thick, those stories made me full of wounds --both physical and mind--they're evidence of being alive.I feel my soul is already old and my mind is forever young.

 

 

My gap year was a long trip to Tibet and part of silk road.I did hitch hiking for weeks arrived Lasha and did all the crazy adventure.I used to promise that I would return back to the regular life after that,but from then on,my heart became totally wild.Tibet,or those memories,They marked in my heart,never fade out.

I have lived in Shanghai for half an year,I just hate this city,full of speed and desires,as a huge cage which makes people lose their nature of human being.I am like a wild kid,only have a dream about into the wild.I could never,never belong to the super city.

After traveling around most part of China,on a trip to inner mongolia,I read some information about Marco Polo Project from newspaper,I just made the fast decision--escape from China,go to Italy.

 

Actually I feel it always like--the city choose me but not i choose the city,as the destiny.At beggining I was so naive and didn't realize that life could be so tough when you're abroad alone.I thought I was independent enough,but,still,I took the lesson of 'being strong'.I lost my real name,lost my hometown,lost in translation and lost in identification...I am totally get lost,but on the way finding my real self.

 

Well.In Italo Calvino's book ' the city invisible' He named each city as a girl's name,value them with feminine personality.I would like to follow this tradition,talking about the relastionship about my own cities.

 

Perugia is the city as my first love. The first European city where I lived.I spend the happiest period in this medieval city,we were partying,dancing,drinking ,singing all the time,the biggest problem of life was 'what should we eat for dinner?'.No worries,No fear,No pain...I met such lovely friends there,even we are apart everywhere right now,we are still as a family and warm though my tough life.

 

Bologna is the the city as the longest relationship,I don't like this city,but I love it.There is always such a girl everyone experienced in your life.You grow up with her from a boy into a real man,in this long relationship,you discovered so many disadvantages about her,conflict,flighting,strugglling,finally you decide to leave her,because you're so sure that you don't belong to her.Bologna as a city is just so boring and makes me suffocated all the time.But it is totally not a city in geography dimention,The one I deeply love is the city is composed of the people I met,someone,something makes me cry,laugh.We shared smile,hugs,feeling,ideas,pain and definitely,love.Party,Exam,presentation,after exam party,alcohol,concerts,exhibition and so many crazy projects...we were lying on the ground,holding a beer,watching the sky,talking,drinking,smoking,dreaming,laughing,crying.Seem like tomorrow never come.But it is such a floating city,people come and people leave,when they are gone,the city itself just mean nothing and even the same views,the same architecture,but it is not your bologna at all,you can always get a train go back to the city but you can't get back to your bologna anymore.

 

Vienna is the city as the girl who I consider to marry with.I don't know why,During those 3 years,there are so many connection happened between me and vienna.I just follow the the hints of destiny,then I am here.It is not the prefect one I met,it seems too elegant for me,but every city has different sides.Vienna as the famous city of classical culture in toursit level is not my cup of tea,but you can always discover another underground city---here is full of interesting people hiden in some corners,alternative arts,governamet and people respect arts,you can find serendipity anywhere.I met so many amazing people here,some of them just open a door for me,so many energy go though my life,and everything towards to the right direction.I learn so much about myself during this half year,becoming the one I really want to be.Here I start to realize the direction about my art work clearly--as a healer,try to transmit the positive message though my work,about sharism and universal love,something sincere and simple but warm,agaianst the emotional pollution and cure the loneliness and ease the pain of human being,healing the solitude and fear.

I find myself in vienna and meet several people feel as family.Vienna is so quiet,peaceful and calm me down

,concentrate to perceive the inner peace.

 

Berlin is the city as my soulmate,love from the first sight.The energy or the aura totally fits me.It is the paradise of dreamers,the neverland of artists,the eutopia of adventurers,It tolerates my stupid childish and innocence and crazy ideas and its historic pain exhibites the path of finding of the answers to my doubts.it is so open mind and I can even breath the freedom in the air.The story of this city is all about sharing,strangers showing their openess and sincere. It offers enough  liberty to all kinds of possibility and sensibility.All the message I perceive here is about 'being yourself,who cares'.Every day in berlin,the smile was hanging on my face automatically,I don't know the reason,but absolutely,it was from my heart.I can't find any city like berlin which can cover my dream and touch my soul .But maybe because of that,It makes me a little bit afriad to entre this city.The reality always sucks,maybe the best choice is keeping it as my enternal soulmate.

 

Prague is the city as the girl who can be called ' sweetheart lover in dream'.I have been in prague 6 times.Once upon a time (LOL),I have made an appointment with someone that we would go to prague together.Finally I come there myself.All the promises are gone with the wind.As a dream of my teenage,Prague,I only pray that my behavir didn't destory my impression of that city.I have thought about a begginning of a story: A traveler plans to find an impressive face in crowd at the last night ,tomorrow he will leave,he wishes an impressive face will mark his memory about this city that it would create a kind of connection with this city,Because of this face,the city will be never only the city on the map,but becomes his own city with personal memory. I haven't figure out what's going on about this story,but the fact is,I was sucessful to find such a face in Prague.I guess everyone appears in your life is arranged by destiny,when they finish their task,they will disappear or you will forget each other in the ashes of time.Someone meant to open a door,someone's task is to close a door. Then another one close the door which has opened before,I am deliverd from the past and Prague is released again. 

 

Florence is the city as the girl special in your life,you will never forget about her,for some reason,you have been getting so close but still remain regrets.In China,we have another very romantic translation of this city named ' Cold emerald' .I choosed bologna because it is nearby--Have you ever heard the story about Dante and Beatrice? They just met once,but those eternal silent love remain the whole life of Dante and he even wrote into his great Divine Comedy and force us to read his silent love letter to Beatrice after hundreds years.When I told my mom this story in Florence near the old bridge,she suspired and said 'Dante is so silly' then she looked at me said 'you're silly as well'. There is a lock was hiden in some secret place in this city with a weird and surreal appointment,it's a game called 'destiny'.The map of how to find it with the key were in a floating bottle in the water of River Arno.The other two keys belong to two stupid weirdos.

 

There is a Chinese movie called Confession of Pain,the promotion slogan said ' everyone has a forlorn city ' maybe better translation is the memory of the city will always hurt you.It is funny ,because the city named Shanghai in Chinese gets the same pronunciation as 'Hurt'---as the biggest financial centre in China,probably the desire hurt people (lol).There is such a city in my mind as well.I won't tell its name.

'I never consider as you're homeless,since my home is yours'. Then I am homless twice.

 

The rest huge numbers of cities where I have been.They are just passer-by in my life.As everyone has a huge collection of passer-by in your life.Maybe it needs a chance to get close,maybe there is no specially connection with your fate.Maybe just needs some impressive faces or maybe you can't find enough reason to stay with her.They're just the beautiful meets on the road,sometimes you're suprised by her beauty,sometimes just not right timeing,sometimes you spend very great time with her,but you're just a traveler,when the next dawn comes,you should get on the way once again.All the beautiful regrets makes up your prefect story---completeness always seems incomplete.

As Paris,to be honest,she is the most gorgeous pretty girl,but,so what? I can't get any connection with her,I appriciate her shining face,but I has no story with her.

As Amstredam,she is my cup of tea,but the trip is in hurry,like you drive on the high way,you really want to stay for a while to enjoy some snow mountain,but you just can't stop .

As Barcellona,it suppose to be very interesting and funny girl,but I was there not at the right timing or the right approach---the same person,different approach or timing make different effects and relastionship.We just missed each other.

As Verona,the first time I had a crush with her and plan to visit her again,but the second time,you find all the magic between you guys is gone,from then on,it just a normal city.

As roskilde,as a small german village near the swis,they're not toursitic place,even not so many people knows them,as the countryside girls,maybe they're not pretty or interesting,but make you feel so comfortable and would like to spend time with her even don't want to leave.

As Venice,you thought you were crazy for her like the witch put the magic cantrip.Then you came times and times again,finally you realized it was just passion but not love,a few times later,you totally tired of this girl. 

...

 

 

In a coffee shop in Copenhagen,I met an interesting girl,we were talking and forget the time is flying.She said I am on the trip which I spend 3 months traveling around Europe.Then I said I have no plan,just spend 3 years traveling around europe.

Indeed,Long journey itself hurts.I am just so tired,so tired,totally exhausted.I wish I am the sun which has endless brightness and energy as the eternal passion.But too much farewell,too much hurts from the reality,too much passer by,the memory,the pain getting heavy and freeze my heart.I am not the sun,just a bright star---only with the brightness but without temperature.

---as the same name poem frm Keats --

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--- 

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night 

And watching, with eternal lids apart

 

 

The Chinese version  Red river valley is much more touching,when I decided to leave China,in my farewell party,friends sang this song,the melody always repeatting around my mind and make my eyes watered.

"They say you are leaving your hometown,I shall miss your smile.your eyes are more shining than the sunshine,that brightens up our heart.Come and sit by side,don't haste to bid me adieu,please remember your hometown,and the girl that has loved you so true..Will you remember your hometown? you leave it stay in the loneliness and dreariness.O think of the fond heart you're breaking And the grief you are causing....'

 

新做的一个video:)因为一些事情之前连续做了几个月的噩梦。然后我有了迫切的动机去做这个，那一声尖叫，似乎把我所有的负面情绪都宣泄出来了，所以making art is a need to express yourself

拍摄，导演，后期剪辑都是我做的。音乐素材编辑自sonic youth

my tiny fear

I wonder if we could go though the endless darkness,go though all the pain

I wonder

how Loud I am screaming 

that you can hear me

how much noise I make

that could cover all my hear

how far we get lost

that we could find the way home

how many times  that we're pretend we're strong

that we could be real tough

how many lies we tell

that we could speak our inner truth loud

.....

in the end of the world,there are four horsemen of apocalypse coming

conquest,slaughter,famine,death.

and

love is the fifth houseman.

....

in this lonely planet

human being fight against with solitude for thousands year

every tiny individual loneliness

all the hidden inner weakness

.....

if we fold the time line times and times again

maybe we could meet them once again

the one who has disappeared in our lives before

.....

all you need is love

all your fear is love

我在想，是否我们可以穿越无尽的黑暗

穿越所有的痛。

我在想

我要大声呼喊得有多响你才能听到我的声音

我要制造多少噪音才能淹没和填满我的恐惧

我们要迷失得有多远才能找到家的方向

我们要多少次假装坚强才能真正无坚不摧

我们要说多少次谎才能真正大声说出内心的真相

。。。

当世界末日来临的时候

四位上天的骑士来到毁灭人间

战争，屠杀，饥馑，死亡

然而

爱是第五个骑士

。。。。

在这个孤寂星球

人类与孤独斗争了几千年

每一个渺小的个体的孤单

所有被隐藏起来不可言说的内心的恐惧

。。。

所有你需要的，不过是爱

所有你恐惧的，不过也是爱

5 years ago ,When I and Emma were on the way to Tibet (we went by hitch hiking almost 10 days to arrive in Lasha),Once we had stayed in Dali for a couple of days,that's a small ancient town and full of backpackers from all over the world.We alway went to a small cafeteria and the owner has a 4 years old mixed-blood boy called Kevin,the last day I went there to say goodbye.But Kevin said"I don't want ",we asked---'you don't want to say goodbye,or you don't want us to leave?" Kevin said"I don't want you to leave,please stay"So cute!!!

Then a friend who stood beside smiled and said"hey,girls,you know,during the whole way to Tibet,I am sure there are a lot of people want you to stay there and don't leave'

That's true,we met a lot of interesting people on the road and almost everyone wanted us to stay and don't leave.Some stories and finally we leave and kept walking on.Although someone was still in my mind,but we're just a passer-by.

The principle on the road,the first rule should be"don't contact with each other after the trip" that he or she could just be your great memory and never fade out.

Once I and he sat in front of DaZHAO temple who is the most famous one in tibet,we promised that when we leave tibet,we will delete each's number and be strangers forever.

About 10 years on the road,there are a hug number of passers-by in my life:)they only left many stories and one word "don't leave".

Few month ago I went back to my hometown,I really felt happy since I was involved in so many loves,from family,from friends,everyone said "please come back,we all miss you,please stay and don't leave"

In the airport I was looking at my friend's back and really felt sad.There are so many love that can't make me stay,maybe because all the cities are too small and my dream is so wild.

A friend sang a song for me ,the lyric is"I meant to rove everywhere that nobody should be my  concern"--Vagrants' hearts belong to nobody,it's full of dreams and no space for anyone.

Sometimes I really feel guilty to my parents,but I really don't know what's the difference between 'selfish' and 'Self- sacrifice’.Maybe I am quit selfish.

3 years life in italy.and finally you know I will leave.no concern and no pain.I don't know where is my future,but that must be far far away.Distance is always my belief.Don't say don't leave,we will meet somewhere.Keep walking and keep your head up:)

There is a chinese folk song singing---far far away,there is a nice girl....:P